The formal is over, the HSC is behind your teenager, and the house has a different sound. Nobody tells you that the end of Year 12 can feel like a loss as well as a celebration, and that letting go of your teenager can feel physical, with a tight chest and a phone you keep checking.

If that sounds familiar, you are not overreacting. Schoolies week and Year 12 graduation arrive together each November, straight after the HSC. For many Sydney parents, this is the first time they have to step back in a real way. Much of what is written about Schoolies is aimed at teenagers, or at travel safety. This post is for you – the parents.

In this post, we’ll cover:

  • Why this milestone can hit parents so hard
  • What the worry is made of, and how to tell when it is more than a passing wobble
  • How to loosen your grip without losing the connection
  • What can help if the feelings are taking over

Letting go of your teenager: why does it hurt so much?

Letting go of your teenager hurts because the milestone ends a role you have played every day for years. For about 13 years, school gave your family a shape. There were lunches to pack, forms to sign and a timetable that told you where your child would be. Year 12 graduation removes that structure almost overnight.

At the same time, your teenager is moving into what researchers call emerging adulthood. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett describes this stage, from the late teens through the twenties, as a time of identity exploration and instability, when young people try out ideas about who they are. In other words, the very things that can make this stage healthy for them can feel risky to you.

There is also a loss that is easy to miss. Beyond the worry about one week away, you are watching the daily rhythm of your relationship change. That can feel like grief even when you are proud.

Mixed emotions: pride, sadness, relief and worry at once

Many parents feel several things at the same time. You might feel proud as they walk across the graduation stage. Then you might feel a drop in your stomach when they mention a Schoolies trip. Later you might feel plain relief that the HSC is over, and then a pang that this chapter is closing.

Research backs this up. An integrative review of studies on how parents react when children leave home found that reactions vary widely. Many parents report positive changes alongside sadness, and the picture is rarely all one thing. As a result, it is worth treating the mix as a normal response rather than something to fix.

Identity plays a part too. If parenting has filled most of your days, a question can creep in: who am I when I am needed less? That question deserves attention, and it does not mean something is wrong with you.

Schoolies anxiety: what are parents actually worried about?

Schoolies anxiety for parents is usually a cluster of “what if” thoughts about safety, alcohol, drugs and being out of reach. For example, you might picture a late-night phone call, a flat battery or a decision made in a bad moment. Each thought feels like useful planning, but together they can leave you tense and sleepless.

Anxiety research offers one helpful idea here. Psychologists describe intolerance of uncertainty as a tendency to find not knowing hard to bear, which can lead the mind to imagine worst cases. Schoolies is a week of exactly that: you cannot know what is happening, so your mind tries to fill the gap.

Notice that these worries come from care. However, caring and catastrophising are different. The first points you towards a useful conversation, while the second keeps you scanning for danger at 2am.

Is this normal, or is it something more?

You may be wondering whether your reaction is just normal parenting, or whether you are making too much of it. Both can be true. A tight chest on the night of Schoolies is a common response to a big change. Support becomes worth considering when the feelings stay intense, take over your days or start to shape how you treat your family.

It may be time to talk to someone if you notice that:

  • Your sleep has been disrupted for weeks, not just one or two nights
  • You are calling or texting your teenager far more than you or they would like
  • You can’t enjoy anything because you are scanning for what could go wrong
  • Your mood has dropped, or you are crying, snapping or withdrawing more than usual
  • Tension with your partner or your teenager is building around the subject

None of these is a verdict on your parenting. They are signals that the transition is asking more of you than you can carry by yourself.

empty nest anxiety

Overprotecting or supporting: when worry turns into holding on

Worry becomes holding on when it starts to make decisions for your teenager instead of with them. This often looks like constant check-ins, solving problems before they are raised, or stepping in whenever things get uncomfortable. It comes from love, yet it can come at a cost.

A study of university students found that more “helicopter” parenting was linked with lower wellbeing, including less sense of autonomy and competence, and more depression. The researchers note that the findings show a link rather than proving cause. Even so, the message is useful. Young people grow in confidence by handling things themselves, with a parent they can come back to.

Letting go of your teenager can mean moving from managing their life to being a steady person they can turn to, while staying close. Our post on parenting through the teen years covers how to keep communication open as that shift happens.

Practical steps: how to prepare for Schoolies and the weeks after

These steps are about supporting you, and they work alongside professional help rather than replacing it.

  1. Talk before the week, when everyone is calm. Choose an ordinary moment, such as a car trip or a walk. Ask what your teenager’s plans are, and listen first.
  2. Agree on a simple check-in. One message each day is easier on both of you than hourly texts. Let your teenager help set it, because a plan they own is more likely to hold.
  3. Name your own worry. Say it plainly: “I’m feeling anxious, and that’s mine to manage.” This keeps your worry from becoming their job.
  4. Ask what you actually know. When a “what if” arrives, write down what you know, what you are guessing and what you can do. The list of things you can do is often shorter than you expect.
  5. Plan something for yourself. Book coffee with a friend, a swim or a long dinner. A full week is easier than a long wait by the phone.
  6. Tell someone. Talk to your partner, a friend or another parent going through the same thing. You will probably find you are one of many.

If you are worried about your teenager’s safety or wellbeing at any point, trust that instinct and act on it.

Different parents, different reactions

Parents in the same house often respond differently. One may be calm, while the other lies awake. As a result, each can read the other’s reaction as too much or too little, and a small gap becomes an argument.

It helps to treat both responses as information. The anxious parent is picking up on risk, and the calm parent is holding trust. Both matter. Single parents carry this transition without a second adult in the house, so reaching out to friends and family becomes even more important.

What actually helps: therapy for parents going through this transition

What helps depends on what is going on for you, and a psychologist will start by understanding your experience. These are some of the approaches our psychologists use:

  • Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) looks at the links between your thoughts, your feelings and what you do. It can help you notice the “what if” loop and test it against what you actually know.
  • Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) helps you make room for sadness and worry rather than fighting them, while you move towards the parent you want to be.
  • Schema therapy explores older patterns, such as a deep belief that you must keep everyone safe. It looks at where those patterns came from and how they show up now.

Whichever approach you choose, the relationship with your psychologist matters. That is why we take the match between you and your psychologist seriously. Our adult therapy service supports parents, and our psychologists also see adolescents if your teenager would like support of their own.

If you are not sure what a first session involves, read what to expect when seeing a clinical psychologist.

schoolies parents anxiety

You are allowed to feel it all

Letting go of your teenager is a process, not a single day. You will probably feel proud and sad within the same hour, and that is a sign of how much you have given. You do not have to hide it, rush it or have it figured out by Christmas.

One sign things are moving in a good direction is simple. Your teenager knows you are there, and you are slowly learning that you can cope with them not needing you every day. That learning takes time, and you can ask for help with it.

Take the first step

If the last few weeks have left you tense, teary or lying awake, consider talking to someone. You do not need a crisis, and you do not need to know exactly what is wrong. Starting the conversation is enough.

At MyLife Psychologists, our psychologists provide confidential, evidence-based support for adults facing life transitions and anxiety. We see clients in person in Sydney and by telehealth across Australia. Book a free 15-minute call with our Care Coordinator and we’ll help you find the right fit from the very first call.

If you or someone you know needs immediate support

If you or your teenager is at immediate risk or in crisis, seek urgent support:

  • Lifeline: 13 11 14, 24/7 crisis support
  • Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636, 24/7 support for anxiety, depression and suicide prevention
  • Emergency: call 000 or go to your nearest emergency department if there is immediate danger

References

Resources

  • headspace: free mental health support and information for young people aged 12 to 25, and their families
  • Beyond Blue: information and support for anxiety and depression, including for parents
  • Lifeline: 24/7 crisis support on 13 11 14
  • healthdirect: government-backed information on mental health and wellbeing

Disclaimer: This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for individual psychological advice, assessment, or treatment. Reading this content does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you have concerns about your mental health, please seek support from a registered health professional.