Why do some people keep falling for the same type of partner, even when those relationships repeatedly end in pain?
Why can one person feel instantly magnetic on a first date, while another – kind, respectful, and emotionally available – feels oddly unexciting?
The answer often lies beneath conscious choice, in something known as schema chemistry.
Schema chemistry refers to the powerful, largely unconscious interaction between our early psychological schemas and those of a romantic partner. It helps explain why attraction is not random – and why intense chemistry does not necessarily indicate healthy compatibility.
Understanding schema chemistry can fundamentally change how we interpret attraction, how we choose partners, and how we build healthier, more intentional relationships.
What Are Schemas?
In psychology, schemas are deep-seated mental frameworks that shape how we see ourselves, other people, and the world. They develop primarily in childhood and early adolescence, particularly through relationships with caregivers and other formative emotional experiences.
As Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko describe:
“Schemas are deeply entrenched beliefs about ourselves and the world, learned early in life. These schemas are central to our sense of self.”
Although schemas form early, they are very much alive in the present. They are not just thoughts – we feel them in the body. Schemas operate automatically and influence:
- How we interpret situations
- What emotions arise
- What we remember
- How we behave in relationships
In this way, schemas function as lived, embodied truths rather than abstract beliefs.
Common Relationship Schemas
Some schemas are particularly influential in intimate relationships, including:
- “I am not enough.”
- “People I love will leave.”
- “My needs are a burden.”
- “Love must be earned.”
- “Closeness means I will lose myself.”
These schemas originally develop as adaptive responses to unmet emotional needs in childhood. For example:
- A child with emotionally inconsistent caregivers may develop an abandonment schema, learning to expect loss.
- A child whose emotional needs were minimised may develop an emotional deprivation schema, believing closeness is unreliable or unavailable.
At the time, these schemas help a child make sense of their world.
How Schemas Persist Into Adult Relationships
Schemas persist into adulthood as subconscious relational “blueprints.” When activated, people tend to respond in one of three ways:
- Surrender: accepting the schema as true
- Avoidance: organising life to prevent the schema from being triggered
- Overcompensation: acting in the opposite direction to try to disprove it
For example, someone with an abandonment schema may:
- Surrender by staying in unstable relationships
- Avoid by refusing emotional dependence
- Overcompensate by becoming controlling or demanding
As Young and Klosko note:
“To give up our belief in a schema would be to surrender the security of knowing who we are and what the world is like… In an odd sense, they make us feel at home.”
Schemas seek confirmation. Once triggered, we default to familiar patterns – like driving the same road repeatedly, even when it leads to the same dead end.
From Schemas to Schema Chemistry: How Attraction Forms
Many people assume attraction is driven by shared values, personality, or physical attraction. While these matter, schema chemistry often plays a far larger role – especially in early dating.
Schema chemistry occurs when one person’s schemas activate or complement another’s in a way that feels instantly familiar and emotionally charged. Familiarity is often mistaken for compatibility.
What feels like “spark” or “chemistry” is frequently a well-rehearsed emotional pattern being activated – not love.
Why Familiarity Can Feel Like Love
The nervous system prioritises predictability over wellbeing. Familiar emotional dynamics- even painful ones – are easier for the brain to anticipate and manage.
When schemas are triggered, people may experience:
- Intense emotional pull
- Heightened anxiety or longing
- Obsessive thinking
- A sense of urgency or significance
These sensations are often labelled passion or attraction. In reality, they may signal schema activation rather than healthy relational alignment.
Why Am I Attracted to the Wrong People?
Schema chemistry often draws people into relationships that mirror early attachment experiences, even when those dynamics are harmful. For example:
- Someone with an abandonment schema may feel drawn to emotionally unavailable or already-attached partners.
- Someone with a defectiveness schema may feel safest with subtly critical partners, because this aligns with their internal narrative.
- Someone with a self-sacrifice schema may feel most alive when caring for a highly dependent partner, at the cost of their own needs.
- Someone with an emotional deprivation schema may repeatedly choose partners who cannot offer emotional closeness.
Schemas distort perception. Red flags are minimised. Schema-confirming behaviour becomes normalised. Over time, the pattern reinforces itself and the schema appears “true.”
Schema Chemistry vs Healthy Compatibility
Schema chemistry is often mistaken for compatibility – but they are not the same.
- Schema chemistry is about emotional activation and intensity.
- Healthy compatibility involves emotional availability, shared values, mutual respect, and the capacity to grow together.
Schema-driven relationships often feel intense early and destabilising over time. Healthier relationships may feel slower, calmer, or even “boring” at first – particularly for those accustomed to emotional chaos.
Moving From Schema Chemistry to Conscious Choice
Understanding schema chemistry does not mean eliminating attraction or passion. It means learning to distinguish activation from alignment.
Helpful steps include:
- Identifying recurring relationship patterns
- Noticing nervous system responses early in dating
- Questioning the belief that intensity equals intimacy
- Reframing a “flat” date as potential emotional safety rather than disinterest
Schema awareness creates space to pause rather than being pulled automatically into familiar dynamics.
How Schema Therapy Can Help Change Relationship Patterns
Working with a psychologist trained in Schema Therapy can help you identify your schemas, understand how they shape attraction, and support meaningful change.
There are also schema-informed programs such as The Red Flag Project, which focuses on recognising schema-driven “red flags” and strengthening the Healthy Adult mode to support conscious partner choice.
Relationships Involving Domestic Violence and Coercive Control
Schema awareness should never be used to excuse domestic violence or coercive control, or to place responsibility on the person being harmed.
While certain schemas may increase vulnerability, schemas do not cause abuse. Responsibility always lies with the person choosing to control or harm another. Abusive partners often exploit vulnerabilities deliberately or intuitively.
Support services:
- If you are in an abusive relationship, 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) is the national domestic family and sexual violence counselling service.
- If you are a man who is concerned about his anger, or who uses or experiences family violence, MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78) is a free telephone and online counselling service for Australian men.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
Can Schema Chemistry Ever Be Healthy?
Yes – but only when schemas are brought into awareness.
When unconscious, schemas run relationships. When conscious, they become opportunities for growth. Healthy relationships can still be passionate and alive – but the passion is not driven by fear, longing, or re-enactment. It emerges from presence, respect, and choice.
Choosing a Partner Consciously
Schema chemistry helps explain why attraction alone is not a reliable guide to love.
Conscious partner choice involves balancing emotional intuition with reflection and discernment. It means recognising that what feels “right” may simply feel familiar – and that what feels unfamiliar may offer something healthier.
When we understand our schemas, we gain freedom: freedom to choose relationships that do not repeat the past, but allow us to build something new.
Taking the Next Step
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, you’re not broken – and you’re not alone. Repeating relationship dynamics are often the result of deeply ingrained schemas rather than poor judgment or “bad taste” in partners.
Working with a psychologist trained in Schema Therapy can help you understand your schemas, recognise when attraction is driven by old patterns, and strengthen your Healthy Adult mode to support more conscious relationship choices.
If you’d like to explore whether this kind of support may be right for you, get in touch to book a free 15-minute call with our Care Coordinator, who can answer your questions and help you find the right next step.
References
Beckley, K. (2021). Schema chemistry: An interpersonal framework for making sense of intimate partner violence. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 78(1), 38–49.
Corry, J., & Gladstone, G. (n.d.). The Red Flag Project.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.
Young, J. E., & Klosko, J. S. (2019). Reinventing Your Life. Scribe Publications.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
Disclaimer
This article is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional psychological support. If you are experiencing coercive control or domestic violence, seek specialist or emergency assistance.
